Landslide

This is me rambling so do not critique it for grammar or logical order. This past Monday I had the D&C. I was extremely nervous to be put under. The nights before the surgery I had a hard time sleeping. I cried and cried. The stress of not knowing how the surgery would go was making me stressed out. I almost walked out of the hospital the day of the surgery until a nurse told me that of the three miscarriages she had had - two of them by D&C and one at home. She said the one at home was the worst. She said the bleeding and cramping was worse and having to fish the baby out of the toilet was horrible. I saw her as an angel from Heavenly Father. Being put under went good. Now almost a week later I am glad I had the D&C. The medicine they gave me took away my abdominal pain but by the second day my head was throbbing and I could hear my heartbeat in my ears plus it sounded like I was in a tunnel. I stopped taking the medicine they gave me. After about two days of no medicine I took an aspirin, tylenol, and motrin. I have to be careful taking tylenol and motrin. I cannot sleep (I get hyper) if I take too much tylenol and I get depressed when I take too much motrin. I hate medicine and only take it if I have to. The last few days the cramping has been increasing. I hope that it goes away soon. Until yesterday I had not been upset about the situation since Monday. I just want the bleeding and cramping to stop so I can move on so to speak. At least physically.

I was so sick during the first trimester of this pregnancy and the first trimester of the one last year. For some women my level of sickness would have been light for them but for me it was strong and more than I could bare at times with work, two kids and a husband with neck and back pain. Wes and the girls were great with helping me during the morning (all day) sickness and after the surgery. Wes made sure I had what I needed and kept me fed. The girls have been great with keeping things picked up, laundry, and getting me what I need. Some things are not getting done. I am trying very hard to realize that those things will be done when I am better. But that is still hard because I have put some of them off for three months and I feel I am loosing my mind with each day that passes by and feeling like I will never catch. The positive side of me says that those feelings are not true and things will work out. I hope to take a week of vacation time in about a week. I hope I am feeling better by then so I can get some things around the house done.

There are good and dark sides to life experiences. Shortly, after I became pregnant Wes told me that he wanted to go to Florida to have a special surgery done on his neck. I thought wow how on earth am I going to go to Florida pregnant with two kids in tow or post c-section with three kids. Along with not feeling up to doing the research during my first trimester on the procedure in Florida. I have known for months that Wes' pain has become worse and more important his ability to deal with it had gone downhill. I thought maybe I would feel up to doing literature research on the procedure during my second trimester and hopefully I could get Wes to put off surgery until summer 2012. It has been a few years since I have done literature research on cervical spine or lumbar spine. After I found out I lost the baby and before the surgery I was thinking about things to look forward to. This is maybe terrible to say but it was/is one of my coping techniques. One of the things that popped in my head and it was as clear as bright light was Wes' surgery. Whether the surgery will happen is not yet known but at least I will have the freedom to do the research, coordinate the tests that need to be ran and the possible surgery.

The ultimate question do I think I will try again. That is an answer that time will tell. Factors that will influence me. I am 36. My girls very, very much want a baby sibling. Emotionally Wes did not do well with this loss. I have had two c-sections. The doctors so far do not know what has caused the miscarriage at 12 weeks and the fetal demise at 20 weeks. Wes wants another baby. My sister is getting married in December. Possible surgery for Wes. For now I need a break.

Heavenly Father has shown me that old friends appear again to help and new ones help. Just when I think that I will need to go through a trial alone he shows me I am not alone. I am grateful for the comments, the e-mails, the phone calls, the meals, the flowers, the chocolate, the prayers, watching my girls or should I say giving my girls a break from their mom (LOL), our names add to the Temple prayer lists, the fasting, etc. Kind of like in Horton hears a Who I feel like just a speck. Thank you for the help.

Please keep Wes, Anna, Rebekah and me in your prayers as we venture into the next chapter of our lives.