NieNie's video on Motherhood.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHDvxPjsm8E
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Crying
Most days I am strong person. Most of the time I am problem solver. Tonight I cannot stop crying. Really I have been crying inside for few days now or maybe I could say off and on for years. Right now I feel at such a loss. Please forgive me as I try to sort my feelings of how hard it is to live with a husband who is constantly in pain. The level of intensity varies. It is so hard to see someone in so much pain they can barely walk at times or see them barely get any sleep or sometimes none at all. I just want to fall apart right now and run away from life. The hardest times always come when I am super busy. It is also hard when he contempt plates suicide. Why? Why? I cannot imagine my life without him yet I can understand why he would want to kill himself. The doctors do not know what to do for him. They can try more physical therapy and injections. We have been down that road before and now are going down it again. He is too young for surgery. He just wants to work. He trained in a profession he can no longer do. He has tried other things but continues to hit road blocks. He feels so lost. This is one problem I cannot solve. I love him. I am exhausted from seeing him in so much pain. Some days are good and days are beyond bad. I just want to cry and cry. Sorry for the pity party but life is pretty crappy sometimes. No one can make this all better. I just wanted to vent. Life is not always as lovely as I make it out to be. Overall my life is good and I love my life most of the time.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
How am I?
After I delivered Adaline Lorraine. Many people asked me how I was doing. I am grateful for their concern. The only thing that brought tears to my eyes when talking to others was when I talked about Rebekah's reaction. For weeks we could not go any where near downtown without Bekah seeing the hospital or a building that reminded her of it without her begging me to get Adaline. She would say, "Go to the doctor's office and get baby Adaline. We will make her all white." Note Adaline's skin was a dark red. I just kept telling her that she is living with Heavenly Father and Jesus. She would say, "No, no, we need to go get her." The first night I was home Bekah said, "I wanted to teach her how to go potty and say yeah good job." That made me cry.
I have shed some tears at times not linked to Bekah's pleadings. Some days I wondered if people thought I would loose it more emotionally than I did. I grateful I had the support especially if I would have lost it more. It was comforting to know that I had others that I can turn to if I need them.
I think there are many reasons why I was able to handle the situation so well. One is I just knew from the beginning and second eternal families.
All three of my pregnancies were planned. When I was pregnant with Anna and Rebekah I was thrilled. I would tap my fingers together and say excitedly we are having a baby. With Adaline Lorraine I was very worried from the beginning. I knew something was wrong. I went to my first appointment and told my doctor I was concerned. Since I am 35 and concerned she automatically listed me as high risk. I was worried about down syndrome or other genetic problems (Neither Wes nor I have genetic history for such problems). I remember her verbally listing several risk factors because I was 35. Ironically, the only one I could remember from the list when I went home to tell Wes what she had said and the only one I could remember even up to the day I went into the hospital was still born. I think, no, I know the Spirit was preparing me for what was to come.
When the tech told me there was no heartbeat I felt a huge relief. Yes, I am sad I will not have a baby to hold at the end of the summer but the anxiety was so strong while I was pregnant that to loose it was a relief. Maybe to some that seems odd. I knew that loosing the baby was a trial that Heavenly Father wanted me to experience. My mother had three first trimester miscarriages between me and my sister so I always knew the chance of miscarriage since I was little.
My second reason has to do with eternal families. During the seven years I waited for Wes to become active again in the Church we had two beautiful girls and no miscarriages. I wanted so badly for Wes to get his act together. I was fearful of loosing him or one of the children and not being sealed. Deep down inside I knew everything would turn out okay. My patriarchal blessing said I would be sealed. Wes' patriarchal blessing said the same thing. There were times when Wes sank so low that I questioned if he was the one. When Wes' word of wisdom issues became beyond what I could handle I threatened divorce. Actually I did not threaten divorce I promised I would divorce him if he did not quit. He quit. The best year of our marriage and one of the best years of my life was after he quit and life continues to be good. We have our trials but we are stronger as a couple. One of his dear friends was right he is a spiritual giant. Even while he was not active and doing things against the word of wisdom he kept encouraging me to do what was right.
Last August after seven years of marriage I was sealed to Wesley, Anna and Rebekah for time and all eternity in the Nauvoo Temple. At the time that we were sealed I knew that in the future Heavenly Father would provide for me an experience(s) that would show me why I should grateful we were sealed.
If you read my previous post I will insert this story where I was done looking for something to watch on TV. I was sitting waiting for Wes to bring me my laptop because I was bored. I started thinking why am I here sitting in a hospital room when I am in no pain and feel just fine. I knew why was there but it seemed so surreal. As I was pondering this it came to me you were sealed. The tears came. Heavenly Father did not end any of my previous pregnancies. At this point it was still up in the air if the baby would be termed as a stillborn which would have included a birth certificate. I was grateful for the Lord's timing because if it was stillborn and we would not have been sealed yet the baby might have had to have a proxy. The Lord's timing is perfect. Another thing that helped me and the girls is we can see Adaline again when we go to Heaven.
Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers.
I have shed some tears at times not linked to Bekah's pleadings. Some days I wondered if people thought I would loose it more emotionally than I did. I grateful I had the support especially if I would have lost it more. It was comforting to know that I had others that I can turn to if I need them.
I think there are many reasons why I was able to handle the situation so well. One is I just knew from the beginning and second eternal families.
All three of my pregnancies were planned. When I was pregnant with Anna and Rebekah I was thrilled. I would tap my fingers together and say excitedly we are having a baby. With Adaline Lorraine I was very worried from the beginning. I knew something was wrong. I went to my first appointment and told my doctor I was concerned. Since I am 35 and concerned she automatically listed me as high risk. I was worried about down syndrome or other genetic problems (Neither Wes nor I have genetic history for such problems). I remember her verbally listing several risk factors because I was 35. Ironically, the only one I could remember from the list when I went home to tell Wes what she had said and the only one I could remember even up to the day I went into the hospital was still born. I think, no, I know the Spirit was preparing me for what was to come.
When the tech told me there was no heartbeat I felt a huge relief. Yes, I am sad I will not have a baby to hold at the end of the summer but the anxiety was so strong while I was pregnant that to loose it was a relief. Maybe to some that seems odd. I knew that loosing the baby was a trial that Heavenly Father wanted me to experience. My mother had three first trimester miscarriages between me and my sister so I always knew the chance of miscarriage since I was little.
My second reason has to do with eternal families. During the seven years I waited for Wes to become active again in the Church we had two beautiful girls and no miscarriages. I wanted so badly for Wes to get his act together. I was fearful of loosing him or one of the children and not being sealed. Deep down inside I knew everything would turn out okay. My patriarchal blessing said I would be sealed. Wes' patriarchal blessing said the same thing. There were times when Wes sank so low that I questioned if he was the one. When Wes' word of wisdom issues became beyond what I could handle I threatened divorce. Actually I did not threaten divorce I promised I would divorce him if he did not quit. He quit. The best year of our marriage and one of the best years of my life was after he quit and life continues to be good. We have our trials but we are stronger as a couple. One of his dear friends was right he is a spiritual giant. Even while he was not active and doing things against the word of wisdom he kept encouraging me to do what was right.
Last August after seven years of marriage I was sealed to Wesley, Anna and Rebekah for time and all eternity in the Nauvoo Temple. At the time that we were sealed I knew that in the future Heavenly Father would provide for me an experience(s) that would show me why I should grateful we were sealed.
If you read my previous post I will insert this story where I was done looking for something to watch on TV. I was sitting waiting for Wes to bring me my laptop because I was bored. I started thinking why am I here sitting in a hospital room when I am in no pain and feel just fine. I knew why was there but it seemed so surreal. As I was pondering this it came to me you were sealed. The tears came. Heavenly Father did not end any of my previous pregnancies. At this point it was still up in the air if the baby would be termed as a stillborn which would have included a birth certificate. I was grateful for the Lord's timing because if it was stillborn and we would not have been sealed yet the baby might have had to have a proxy. The Lord's timing is perfect. Another thing that helped me and the girls is we can see Adaline again when we go to Heaven.
Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers.
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