Once upon a time ... Life is sweet. (op)

Classic Wes

2011-12-24T09:29:00.001-08:00

These pictures are from September 2010. They are classic Wes.

Back temporarily

2011-12-12T18:44:00.000-08:00

Wes is back temporarily. They are done recording music for the album. He played guitar. Here is a link to their songs http://www.reverbnation.com/artist/artist_songs/2175584 He will be home for a little while. He will return soon to Iowa so they can practice for a New Year's concert.

When he came home tonight he surprised the girls. He wanted to surprise me but I found out a hour and half before he got here because I called to tell him about a holiday concert the girls and I were going to go to. He told me he was on his way home so I decided to skip the holiday concert even though it was going to be at the beautiful MO Theater.

My birthday

2011-12-09T07:09:00.001-08:00

For my birthday this year the girls wanted to buy me some presents but Wes was out of town. Last Friday (day before my birthday) I had a meeting and my mom watched the girls. I asked my mom to take them shopping. Anna and Rebekah planned to get me chocolate with their money. My mom helped them get more. When I came back from my meeting they surprised me by jumping out from behind the chairs. They had made a cake with my mom's help. They bought me flowers, chocolate, and a gingerbread house kit. Apparently, my mom wanted to get me roses but Anna insisted on Gerber daisies. I love daisies more than roses. Anna and I had been talking about making a gingerbread house this month. Friday night we went downtown to the living windows display. It was fun to see the different shops put on mini Christmas plays in their store windows. The girls loved touring Poppy and the Candy Factory. The girls love to make things and love art so they were in heaven inside Poppy. We will go back to Poppy sometime when it is not so crowded. At the Candy Factory they were fascinated by the amount of candy. They each got some Harry Potter jelly beans. One of the banks had Santa so we stopped to take pictures. There were college students in front of us in line. One of them had their stuffed Garfield sit on Santa's lap and took pictures. We finished Friday night with carriage ride. On Saturday I took the girls to MU Faculty and Students Holiday Brass concert at the MO United Methodist church. The church building is old and gorgeous. We met some friends there. Anna sat with them and loved, loved the concert. I sat with Rebekah the first half trying to convince her to sit in the pews. She did not feel very good and wanted to go home. The second half we spent in the hallway listening to the music while Rebekah looked through a basket of kids books.

Some pictures ...

One of the three flowers

Slackers Living Window

Poppy's Living Window

Rebekah was fascinated by this person's instrument.

Another Living Window

Candy Factory

Garfield and Santa

Girls and Santa

Carriage

Rebekah reading books.

Greater

2011-12-09T07:01:00.000-08:00

The task ahead of you is never as great as the power within you.

Realize the great and wonderful things that you can accomplish.

Be grateful for who you are and for the circumstances you have been given.

Live with a smile on your face so you will find joy and happiness each day.

Wes gone again

2011-11-28T13:46:00.000-08:00

Wes got a phone call on November 15 that his brother needed him to come to Iowa to record music. Apparently, Wes is the best slide guitarist that his brother can find. He left a few hours later. He needed to leave immediately so they could practice the songs. It is good thing I have become patient with Wes' last minute spontaneity. :) They recorded 5 songs at a studio in Omaha, NE on November 19. Their next studio time is December 10 (I will let you do the math on how far that is away).

At this time in our lives we cannot afford for him to travel back and forth from Iowa so he stayed there for Thanksgiving. Also, the girls and I stayed in Columbia for Thanksgiving since it would be too expensive for us to go to Iowa. Our suburban is too expensive. We celebrated Thanksgiving with my family the Sunday before Thanksgiving at my parents house. For Thanksgiving day my parents invited us to join them at Golden Corral. We had never gone to Golden Corral for Thanksgiving. It was actually only the third time in 9 years that I had even eaten there. I was amazed at how many people were there. Their parking lot was full so we had to park in a lot across the field. We waited for 30 minutes in a line that went out the door and two rows back in the parking lot. Crazy.

I will probably not see Wes until around Christmas. Rebekah told me last night she missed Wes really, really, really, really, really, really, really a lot. She said she wanted a daddy hug and kiss. Break my heart. This summer our dog Rosie (Weimaraner) stayed with Wes but this time she has stayed with us. Almost two weeks later Rosie is still looking for Wes. Anna misses Wes but understands why he needs to be gone. She also has had a hard time with Wes depression over the last few years. She wants him to be happy.

I pray and hope that Wes and Scott (friend in Columbia) can find a drummer and bassist for their band. It is fun for Wes to play with his brother but Wes needs his own band. They need people who are committed to playing. I hope Wes and Scott can find venues in our area. It would be very nice if he could get paid to do what he loves. It is fun for Wes to play with his brother but it is not good long term. Iowa is not a good place for Wes long term.

Wes and summer playing

2011-11-27T12:34:00.000-08:00

This summer Wes spent 9 weeks in Iowa minus one week we went on vacation together. He spent the time in Iowa and Nebraska playing guitar and singing with his brother's band. We went up to Iowa for fourth of July and the girls and I went back home on the 5th. Mid-August the girls and I met him in St Joe so we could go down to Ridgedale for a vacation. He briefly returned to Columbia after our vacation to help a friend with their air conditioner. Then he left again until the beginning of September. He had a great time playing music. He returned to Columbia because he missed us and being in Iowa comes with a price.

The girls and I missed him lots. All Wes wants to do is play music so I was okay with him being gone. It was hard to have him gone. At the same time it was easy because Wes has been miserable for so long. He has been trying to create his own band in Columbia but cannot seem to find a drummer. They do not want a drummer who can just keep a beat but they want someone who can do artistic drum techniques. Wes can play the drums really well but he does not want to play them. He would rather play the guitar. It was nice for him to play with his brother's band but it is not his band.

It's been 8 months since I blogged.

2011-11-24T18:38:00.000-08:00

It has been 8 months (almost 9 months) since I blogged. Our lives have been super busy. Back to March Anna got cast in the Wizard of Oz play that performed in MU's Jesse Hall. She was a flower.

Cast picture.

Classic Anna!

We spend a lot of time at Bass Pro. Between their great kid activities and the fact that Wes fishes a lot. I could spend an entire post on Wes' fishing pics LOL! For now here are some pics of Bass Pro in March.

In April we dyed eggs at Scott's house with Grace and Shelley.

Grace, Anna & Rebekah

Scott, Anna, Rebekah, and Shelley.

All of the eggs they dyed.

The next day we had a plastic Easter egg hunt with Grace and Kylie.

It was a boy

2011-03-03T19:52:00.000-08:00

The baby we lost at the end of January was tested for chromosomal and genetic defects. They found NO defects. We also found out it was a boy. Oh boy was Wes bummed. There is too much estrogen at our house (even the dog is a girl). LOLLLLLLLLL!!!

So still no answers for why I keep loosing babies. I have an appointment to go see a fetal and and maternal specialist later this month.

100 things and activities

2011-02-28T06:48:00.001-08:00

I have been fascinated for years about simplifying my life. One of my favorite books is by Elaine St James called Simplify your life. Some of her ideas are a little extreme for me but many of them I have done and it has helped so much. I have given away or thrown away a lot!!! Plus not allowed some things to come into my house. A few months ago I read on the web about reducing down to 100 things. There were tons of sites about 100 things. I do not know if I could go down to 100 things but I started making a list of 100 things that are important to me. Some of the websites that I read discussed separating things that are shared by others into a separate 100 list from the 100 personal things. I now have an Excel spreadsheet with the things categorized by personal (me only), shared, Wes only, and Anna only. I was talking to Anna about the 100 things the other day and asked her what 100 things she would want to keep or have. Very interesting conversation. She brought up things I forgot about. She is my outdoorsy child.

Last night I started thinking about 100 activities. Our lives are so busy. What 100 activities are important to me?

These lists of things and activities are good to consider at this time when I am re-working our budget and thinking about what we want to spend our money and time on.

Vienna

2011-02-06T18:06:00.000-08:00

LOL. Those who know me well know that this song by Billy Joel fits me very well. I am not a big fan of Billy Joel but the song's lyrics make me laugh. Slow down you crazy child. :) When will I realize. Maybe now or soon. ;)

Vienna by Billy Joel

Here are the lyrics.

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
Are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight (tonight)
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you're right(you're right)

You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize...
Vienna waits for you.

And you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

Why don't you realize...Vienna waits for you
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

Landslide

2011-02-06T16:27:00.000-08:00

This is me rambling so do not critique it for grammar or logical order. This past Monday I had the D&C. I was extremely nervous to be put under. The nights before the surgery I had a hard time sleeping. I cried and cried. The stress of not knowing how the surgery would go was making me stressed out. I almost walked out of the hospital the day of the surgery until a nurse told me that of the three miscarriages she had had - two of them by D&C and one at home. She said the one at home was the worst. She said the bleeding and cramping was worse and having to fish the baby out of the toilet was horrible. I saw her as an angel from Heavenly Father. Being put under went good. Now almost a week later I am glad I had the D&C. The medicine they gave me took away my abdominal pain but by the second day my head was throbbing and I could hear my heartbeat in my ears plus it sounded like I was in a tunnel. I stopped taking the medicine they gave me. After about two days of no medicine I took an aspirin, tylenol, and motrin. I have to be careful taking tylenol and motrin. I cannot sleep (I get hyper) if I take too much tylenol and I get depressed when I take too much motrin. I hate medicine and only take it if I have to. The last few days the cramping has been increasing. I hope that it goes away soon. Until yesterday I had not been upset about the situation since Monday. I just want the bleeding and cramping to stop so I can move on so to speak. At least physically.

I was so sick during the first trimester of this pregnancy and the first trimester of the one last year. For some women my level of sickness would have been light for them but for me it was strong and more than I could bare at times with work, two kids and a husband with neck and back pain. Wes and the girls were great with helping me during the morning (all day) sickness and after the surgery. Wes made sure I had what I needed and kept me fed. The girls have been great with keeping things picked up, laundry, and getting me what I need. Some things are not getting done. I am trying very hard to realize that those things will be done when I am better. But that is still hard because I have put some of them off for three months and I feel I am loosing my mind with each day that passes by and feeling like I will never catch. The positive side of me says that those feelings are not true and things will work out. I hope to take a week of vacation time in about a week. I hope I am feeling better by then so I can get some things around the house done.

There are good and dark sides to life experiences. Shortly, after I became pregnant Wes told me that he wanted to go to Florida to have a special surgery done on his neck. I thought wow how on earth am I going to go to Florida pregnant with two kids in tow or post c-section with three kids. Along with not feeling up to doing the research during my first trimester on the procedure in Florida. I have known for months that Wes' pain has become worse and more important his ability to deal with it had gone downhill. I thought maybe I would feel up to doing literature research on the procedure during my second trimester and hopefully I could get Wes to put off surgery until summer 2012. It has been a few years since I have done literature research on cervical spine or lumbar spine. After I found out I lost the baby and before the surgery I was thinking about things to look forward to. This is maybe terrible to say but it was/is one of my coping techniques. One of the things that popped in my head and it was as clear as bright light was Wes' surgery. Whether the surgery will happen is not yet known but at least I will have the freedom to do the research, coordinate the tests that need to be ran and the possible surgery.

The ultimate question do I think I will try again. That is an answer that time will tell. Factors that will influence me. I am 36. My girls very, very much want a baby sibling. Emotionally Wes did not do well with this loss. I have had two c-sections. The doctors so far do not know what has caused the miscarriage at 12 weeks and the fetal demise at 20 weeks. Wes wants another baby. My sister is getting married in December. Possible surgery for Wes. For now I need a break.

Heavenly Father has shown me that old friends appear again to help and new ones help. Just when I think that I will need to go through a trial alone he shows me I am not alone. I am grateful for the comments, the e-mails, the phone calls, the meals, the flowers, the chocolate, the prayers, watching my girls or should I say giving my girls a break from their mom (LOL), our names add to the Temple prayer lists, the fasting, etc. Kind of like in Horton hears a Who I feel like just a speck. Thank you for the help.

Please keep Wes, Anna, Rebekah and me in your prayers as we venture into the next chapter of our lives.

Sonogram and Monday

2011-01-30T13:07:00.000-08:00

I had a sonogram on Friday to make double sure the baby was dead. I had to have a full bladder for this test. This test was done at the hospital and they looked at every angle of the baby. I have not heard from the doctor on the final results but the ultrasound tech said all she saw was that the baby's belly was swollen.

This so surreal. I do not feel morning sickness any more and have occasional cramping but no bleeding or discharge. I have to report to the hospital on Monday at 7 am. The hospital staff person I talked to the other day estimates I should be able to leave the hospital by 2 pm on Monday. What I am most nervous about is the anesthesia. It makes me nervous to be put under. The last few days I have been an emotional wreck about it and today I am slowly getting to the point of psyching myself up to the fact that it has to be done, I will get through it and life will move on.

Wes has been so wonderful throughout this whole pregnancy (just like he was for the other ones). When I had morning sickness or having horrible cravings he went and got me whatever I needed. When I needed time away from the kids he helped me with them. He has been a listening ear.

Distraction

2011-01-27T11:11:00.001-08:00

Nothing like having 4 extra little girls over for play date to distract me. The play date was already planned so I figured since I have no signs that I have lost the baby (other than the no heartbeat) and the doctor will not do anything until Monday then why not have a play date. After I recover in the next few weeks I will be even more done with winter and ready for spring and outdoors. I am tired of winter.

Fly away

2011-01-26T15:19:00.001-08:00

I wish I could get on plane and fly but that is not possible and this too shall pass. http://www.youtube.com/user/CreedVEVO#p/a/u/2/As8gVOUzLCc

No heartbeat

2011-01-26T13:15:00.000-08:00

We went in today for a ultrasound. There was no heartbeat. I just had an ultrasound last week and there was a heart beat and the baby was waving. Friday they are going to do an sonagram to make double sure. Tentatively I have a D&C scheduled for Monday. They have ran so many tests on me in the last year with no answers. Life sucks right now. My girls want a baby. I just do not know any more if it is safe for me to have a baby. Wes is sad. Wes went inactive (church) back in July and I am so much falling apart. Plus seems like everything in our house or our tenants house or our vehicles are falling apart. I hate life right now. I have many things to be grateful for but right now I just feel like falling apart to cope.

Rice

2011-01-24T20:06:00.000-08:00

For morning snack I made blue rice and added cinnamon and sugar. For dinner I dyed the rice pink for our turkey and veggie meal. The girls loved it. I have not made rice in months. It was fun to do something different with it.

Genius

2011-01-24T07:32:00.001-08:00

"Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it's stupid." -- Albert Einstein

Baby

2011-01-23T17:42:00.000-08:00

I am 11 weeks pregnant. My due date is August 10. Please keep me and the baby in your prayers. I am making the prayer request for my girls. They very much want a baby sibling. Since I lost a baby last year at 20 weeks I am more likely to miscarry or have a another fetal demise. My doctor has me on baby aspirin and several supplements to reduce the risks. I will have more ultrasounds than usual. This pregnancy has been more rough than the others for pregnancy symptoms. Morning sickness has been stronger and last all day. I have been able to control it better more recently by constantly keeping something in my stomach. I have been exhausted. I am now sleeping 9 to 10 hours at night which highly, highly unusual for me. Before getting pregnant I was averaging 7 hours. Hormones have been more out of whack - happy one moment, crying the next. Unlike last year I am not nervous about the baby. Last year I had a sense that something was wrong from the beginning. This time it is just annoying pregnancy symptoms.

Playdough

2011-01-23T17:37:00.000-08:00

Tonight I made homemade playdough. It has been a while since I have made playdough. I got inspired by this page Playdough Party. The girls had fun. I might make some more soon for a playdate they have this week.

Courage, strength, humor

2011-01-16T16:06:00.000-08:00

Don't wish me happiness
I don't expect to be happy all the time ...
It's gotten beyond that somehow.
Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor.
I will need them all.
-- Anne Morrow Lindbergh (wife of Charles Lindbergh)

My loves

2011-01-08T17:53:00.001-08:00

I love these three very much and it is at one of my favorite places.

Why TJEd

2010-12-14T12:19:00.000-08:00

Why Thomas Jefferson Education?

Thomas Jefferson Education Resources

Milky Way Pie

2010-11-19T18:05:00.001-08:00

This is my mom's recipe. She has made it since I was little.
Milky Way Pie

1/2 cup butter
3/4 cup sugar
2 squares cooled melted Baker's unsweetened chocolate
2 eggs
2 cups thawed cool whip
1 pie crust

Cream 1/2 cup butter with 3/4 cup sugar. Stir in 2 squares cooled melted Baker's unsweetened chocolate. Add 2 eggs, one at a time, beating each egg 5 minutes at high speed. Fold in 2 cups thawed cool whip. Pour into a cooled 9 inch pie shell. Chill until firm - about 2 hours (can be frozen). Disclaimer: these are raw eggs so be careful what eggs you use.

4 T's

2010-08-03T13:12:00.000-07:00

Tears, Trials, Trust, Testimony. I have seen the power of this in my life. Thomas S. Monson said, "...faith forged in the furnace of trials and tears is marked by trust and testimony." Thomas S. Monson, “Tears, Trials, Trust, Testimony,” Ensign, May 1987, 42

Music site for kids

2010-07-31T22:18:00.000-07:00

I found a music site for kids. http://www.sfskids.org/templates/home.asp?pageid=1

Beauty of Motherhood

2010-05-06T13:53:00.000-07:00

NieNie's video on Motherhood.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHDvxPjsm8E

Crying

2010-05-05T21:15:00.000-07:00

Most days I am strong person. Most of the time I am problem solver. Tonight I cannot stop crying. Really I have been crying inside for few days now or maybe I could say off and on for years. Right now I feel at such a loss. Please forgive me as I try to sort my feelings of how hard it is to live with a husband who is constantly in pain. The level of intensity varies. It is so hard to see someone in so much pain they can barely walk at times or see them barely get any sleep or sometimes none at all. I just want to fall apart right now and run away from life. The hardest times always come when I am super busy. It is also hard when he contempt plates suicide. Why? Why? I cannot imagine my life without him yet I can understand why he would want to kill himself. The doctors do not know what to do for him. They can try more physical therapy and injections. We have been down that road before and now are going down it again. He is too young for surgery. He just wants to work. He trained in a profession he can no longer do. He has tried other things but continues to hit road blocks. He feels so lost. This is one problem I cannot solve. I love him. I am exhausted from seeing him in so much pain. Some days are good and days are beyond bad. I just want to cry and cry. Sorry for the pity party but life is pretty crappy sometimes. No one can make this all better. I just wanted to vent. Life is not always as lovely as I make it out to be. Overall my life is good and I love my life most of the time.

How am I?

2010-05-02T21:01:00.000-07:00

After I delivered Adaline Lorraine. Many people asked me how I was doing. I am grateful for their concern. The only thing that brought tears to my eyes when talking to others was when I talked about Rebekah's reaction. For weeks we could not go any where near downtown without Bekah seeing the hospital or a building that reminded her of it without her begging me to get Adaline. She would say, "Go to the doctor's office and get baby Adaline. We will make her all white." Note Adaline's skin was a dark red. I just kept telling her that she is living with Heavenly Father and Jesus. She would say, "No, no, we need to go get her." The first night I was home Bekah said, "I wanted to teach her how to go potty and say yeah good job." That made me cry.

I have shed some tears at times not linked to Bekah's pleadings. Some days I wondered if people thought I would loose it more emotionally than I did. I grateful I had the support especially if I would have lost it more. It was comforting to know that I had others that I can turn to if I need them.

I think there are many reasons why I was able to handle the situation so well. One is I just knew from the beginning and second eternal families.

All three of my pregnancies were planned. When I was pregnant with Anna and Rebekah I was thrilled. I would tap my fingers together and say excitedly we are having a baby. With Adaline Lorraine I was very worried from the beginning. I knew something was wrong. I went to my first appointment and told my doctor I was concerned. Since I am 35 and concerned she automatically listed me as high risk. I was worried about down syndrome or other genetic problems (Neither Wes nor I have genetic history for such problems). I remember her verbally listing several risk factors because I was 35. Ironically, the only one I could remember from the list when I went home to tell Wes what she had said and the only one I could remember even up to the day I went into the hospital was still born. I think, no, I know the Spirit was preparing me for what was to come.

When the tech told me there was no heartbeat I felt a huge relief. Yes, I am sad I will not have a baby to hold at the end of the summer but the anxiety was so strong while I was pregnant that to loose it was a relief. Maybe to some that seems odd. I knew that loosing the baby was a trial that Heavenly Father wanted me to experience. My mother had three first trimester miscarriages between me and my sister so I always knew the chance of miscarriage since I was little.

My second reason has to do with eternal families. During the seven years I waited for Wes to become active again in the Church we had two beautiful girls and no miscarriages. I wanted so badly for Wes to get his act together. I was fearful of loosing him or one of the children and not being sealed. Deep down inside I knew everything would turn out okay. My patriarchal blessing said I would be sealed. Wes' patriarchal blessing said the same thing. There were times when Wes sank so low that I questioned if he was the one. When Wes' word of wisdom issues became beyond what I could handle I threatened divorce. Actually I did not threaten divorce I promised I would divorce him if he did not quit. He quit. The best year of our marriage and one of the best years of my life was after he quit and life continues to be good. We have our trials but we are stronger as a couple. One of his dear friends was right he is a spiritual giant. Even while he was not active and doing things against the word of wisdom he kept encouraging me to do what was right.

Last August after seven years of marriage I was sealed to Wesley, Anna and Rebekah for time and all eternity in the Nauvoo Temple. At the time that we were sealed I knew that in the future Heavenly Father would provide for me an experience(s) that would show me why I should grateful we were sealed.

If you read my previous post I will insert this story where I was done looking for something to watch on TV. I was sitting waiting for Wes to bring me my laptop because I was bored. I started thinking why am I here sitting in a hospital room when I am in no pain and feel just fine. I knew why was there but it seemed so surreal. As I was pondering this it came to me you were sealed. The tears came. Heavenly Father did not end any of my previous pregnancies. At this point it was still up in the air if the baby would be termed as a stillborn which would have included a birth certificate. I was grateful for the Lord's timing because if it was stillborn and we would not have been sealed yet the baby might have had to have a proxy. The Lord's timing is perfect. Another thing that helped me and the girls is we can see Adaline again when we go to Heaven.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers.

Adaline Lorraine

2010-04-14T22:07:00.001-07:00

Our big ultrasound (morphology) where we were to find out the sex of the baby was Wednesday, March 17, 2010 at 1:00 p.m. Wes and I took the girls with us. Anna is 6 and Rebekah is 3. They were very excited to go. We had talked about it for weeks. The girls wanted a sister. The mere mention of a brother and they were not happy. We had decided if it were a girl we wanted to name it Adaline Lorraine. Adaline was my great, great aunt’s name and Lorraine is a province in France and historically sometimes in Germany that is called Alsace Lorraine where Wes’ ancestors come from. For weeks Bekah called it “baby Adaline” and she was constantly asking about her. We would on varies occasions still ask her what if it was a brother and she would persistently say no. A few days before the ultrasound she would say “my baby sister Adaline is in mommy’s tummy and my baby brother is alive.” It was a strange phrase that I kept wondering about and now gives me chills.

After a few minutes of looking at the baby on the ultrasound screen the tech asked Wes to take the girls out in the hall so she could talk to me alone. I knew before she told me what she was going to say. It confirmed all of the thoughts and feelings I had since the pregnancy began. The tech said your baby has no heartbeat. The baby’s abdomen and skull/brain were full of fluid. I told her to bring Wes back in and the girls would fine to come back in. I told Wes three times that the baby had no heartbeat before it sunk in, mostly because I told him as the girls and him came in the room and the room was noisy from the girls coming in. Anna was devastated. Rebekah went to the other side of the room, sat down and pouted. It killed me emotionally to see her like that. I called my mom to come pick the girls. Dr. W arrived a little while later. She told me the options for how we were going to deliver the baby. She said with much concern that I must go right away to the hospital and be admitted to Labor and Delivery because I was at high risk for DIC (bleed to death internally or with one cut). She said I would have another ultrasound done to determine the size of the baby. The size would determine if I could have it naturally or c-section. I have had two previous c-sections so high levels of inducement drugs were out of the question because I could risk uterus rupture.

At the hospital we sat for over two hours before they took me to have another ultrasound. The baby measured at 16 weeks, 4 days. It was not possible that the baby died at that time because I had had a doctor appointment with us hearing the heartbeat at 17 weeks 2 days. At this point I was 20 weeks 3 days. So they were not exactly sure of the date of the death. I asked the tech if she has seen lots of babies lost in the second trimester and she said no but these are the ultrasounds you do not forget.

They let me have dinner then after the food settled they gave me the first dose of drugs. After they brought me dinner I sent Wes home to get some things including my laptop. I was so bored sitting there. It had been four hours since I was admitted. While Wes was gone I tried to find something on TV and was reminded why I rarely watch TV. Dr. T. (not my regular doc, but doc on call) came in while Wes was gone. He stated all that Dr. W (regular doc) had debriefed him on my situation and said that it appeared the baby might have developed an infection. The bloated stomach and fluid around the brain indicated the likelihood that it had died of an infection. To me this made since because one and half weeks earlier I had suddenly become very ill.

About two hours after I ate they gave me the inducement drugs. They gave me low doses and far apart because of previous c-sections. I could not sleep and I was in no pain for most of the night. Since I could not sleep I stayed up and worked on my laptop and talked to Wes. Early in the morning I started feeling the contractions. The nurse encouraged me to start morphine. I finally agreed. It helped me calm down enough to sleep or at least for an hour. An hour after starting the morphine I had a reaction to it. My stomach and back felt like someone had punched me really hard (not that I have been punched before but I could imagine) and it felt like my stomach or some organ near there was swelling and contracting. The pain it cause was worse than the contractions. I wanted off of it immediately. I would rather deal with the contractions without medicine. The contractions were nothing compared to the pain caused by the morphine. Dr. P, the next doctor on call, came in, introduced herself and explained that I was not progressing fast enough so she wanted to increase the frequency of the inducement drugs. She also said if I did not continue progress I would need a c-section. After she left I lost it emotionally. I could handle loosing the baby but a c-section on top of it. I was hysterically upset. The nurse reassured me that the c-section was the last option. It would be one thing to have a c-section and go through the recovery and have a baby to hold but to go through all of that with no baby would be awful. Fortunately, I progressed over the next couple of hours. The nurse encouraged me to get an epidural before the pain became too intense and especially with the risk of having to do a D&C. I agreed to the epidural. At 12:31 pm on Thursday, March 18, I delivered the baby with no doctors or nuses. The baby was still in the sac. I called for the nurse. The doctor came right away. My placenta, etc blood came out on its own and some with the doctors help and I did not have to have a D&C – yeah!!!

I called my mom and asked her to bring the girls to see the baby. The nurse cleaned the baby. The nurse wrapped her in a receiving blanket. We confirmed it was a girl. Her hands and feet were perfect. Her abdomen and head for swollen just like we had seen in the ultrasound. Her umbilical cord was very twisted – big at the top but super, super thin at the base of her body. Her skin was very thin so she was dark red color. She was the size of my hand.

Anna and Rebekah arrived with my mom. Wes took pictures. We let Anna hold the baby and Rebekah was able to hold the baby with the help of Wes. Rebekah kept asking about her skin. She wanted to know why she was not white. We kept explaining to her why. After a little while the girls and my mom left.

A specialist came in to look at the baby and determine the kinds of tests they could run. After the specialist was done the nurse took the baby to take pictures and do hand and foot prints. Later on the hospital gave us a still born packet with pictures of her laying on an afghan and a fake dress on top of her. Also in the packet were the afghan, dress, hand and foot prints. The packet is made of fabric. The packet is reminder to me of how valuable charity work is.

After the chaos of the delivery and post delivery I was able to get some sleep. I was released the next day.

St Patrick's day

2010-03-20T11:31:00.000-07:00

I found this idea at http://familyfun.go.com/st-patricks-day/st-patricks-day-crafts/magic-treasure-box-710371/. On March 16 the girls decorated a box (a little bit).

The night of March 17 I was going to hide the box but since I went into the hospital on March 17. We postponed it until March 20. We told the girls that the Leprechauns knew that I was in the hospital and girls were at their grandparents so they waited to come. The girls left the empty box in their window. After they were asleep I created the trail from their room to the kitchen. The rest of the pictures are the clovers and rainbow left to lead them to the treasure box plus a picture of the treasure.

Scratch and Sniff Painting

2009-11-05T13:23:00.000-08:00

Scratch and Sniff Painting idea. I do not like Kool-Aid. I will drink if people serve it to me. In fact I do not think my kids even know what is kool-aid. Though I will buy that nasty stuff for art. http://wondertime.go.com/create-and-play/crafts/kool-aid-still-life.html

MU Parade

2009-11-04T19:52:00.000-08:00

On October 24, the girls, my parents and I went to the MU Parade. It was nice October weather. One of the few days it did not rain in October. There were tons of people and the girls got some candy. I took tons of pictures but I will not bore you with all of them. The parade lasted for 1 and half hours.

Magic House

2009-11-04T19:06:00.000-08:00

On October 17 we took our kids to the Magic House. It was free that day because they were celebrating their 30th birthday. I had not been to the Magic House since I was 7 or 8 years old. One of the exhibits included a whole room with Curious George. Rebekah loves Curious George. The place was so crazy since it was free.

Stick Tights

2009-09-15T21:06:00.001-07:00

Wes told Rebekah to not walk in the tall weeds. Rebekah said Rosie (dog) was walking in them. Wes told her but they do not stick to Rosie. Rebekah went in the weeds any ways. She was covered in stick tights. I kept going between crying with her or laughing at her. It also makes me crinch at the site of it because I think of bugs all over her. I put her shirt, pants and shoes in the garage for now. I have not decided if I want to throw them away or take off the stick tights. Wes cleaned her hair. It took him over an hour to clean all of them out. They were matted in her hair. He put lots of conditioner in her hair. Her poor arms have welts where the stick tights irritated her skin. We gave her benedryl and Tylenol.

Possum

2009-05-06T06:22:00.000-07:00

Wes found a baby possum in our yard this morning. The girls love him. About three years ago Wes accidentally ran over a female possum and noticed a baby. He brought the baby home and we found a place in our town that takes wild animals and we took him there. We will probably take the current possum there.

Faith

2009-04-26T15:01:00.000-07:00

Riding on Faith. Believing. Many things over the past few years kept me going through some of the most heart wrenching events. Learning the Principles of the Gospel (Church of Latter-day Saints), having good friends and family, many prayers from me and others, and many, many other things. I have no doubt God knew my needs and still does during the easier times. Two songs come to mind. One is a LDS song - Be Still, My Soul. Those who Choose the Right are protected. I was protected when I did what was right. The other song is Nickleback's Someday. Wes promised me things would change. Even as hard as it was I just believed, I just knew because of the warm feeling I had that things would not be perfect but they would change. Blessings after trials are sweet. I am not delusional during these good times that trials will come and will be different from past trials but I know God knows what I need. If I follow the principles and learn more, God will bless me. Line upon line.

Question

2009-04-22T20:32:00.001-07:00

I have been asked to complete a survey for Relief Society about me and I am struggling with one of the questions. Will you please name a movie or book that describes me or my life?

Christmas - What do I prefer?

2008-12-16T21:00:00.000-08:00

What do I prefer at Christmas time

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Gift Bags, next year I am going to try to make some out of fabric
2. Real tree or Artificial? Artificial
3. When do you put up the tree? Monday evening after Thanksgiving or before my December 3 birthday.
4. When do you take the tree down? January 6
5. Do you like eggnog? Yes, Andersen Erickson brand from HyVee.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? Most presents my immediate family selected.
7. Hardest person to buy for? Men
8. Easiest person to buy for? My girls
9. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes, a miniature set. I want the Little People set
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Clothes from distant relatives that had no clue what I liked
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Mickey's Christmas Carol
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? November
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? My mom's cheese ball, fudge, and milky way pie.
16. Lights on the tree? Yes
17. Favorite Christmas song? Silent Night and Little Drummer Boy
18. Travel at Christmas or stay at home? Travel except this year for first time in six years we get to be home for Christmas. We opened Christmas/St. Nicholas present with the girls on December 6 (St. Nick's birthday). We will open presents and have a Christmas party with my parents on December 20 and we will celebrate with Wes' family a few days after Christmas. Christmas day will be about Christ.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? No.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Star
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Both
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? People who spend more money than they have available.
23. What theme or color are you using? Red, Green and White - what else is there.
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Ham from Burgers based in California, MO.
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Have fun with Anna, Bekah and Wes

Cheese

2008-09-07T21:26:00.000-07:00

My joy

2008-08-11T22:34:00.000-07:00

My two joyfully energetic girls. Cheese, mom.

Playdough at ages 2 and 5.

2008-07-10T07:24:00.001-07:00

Practicing for Ballet Recital May 12, 2008

2008-05-13T13:27:00.001-07:00

Anna's dance class (Creative Movements) will do a ballet dance to Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo from the movie Cinderella. Below are two different movies of them practicing. I asked Anna's teacher (Miss Amanda) if I could video tape them so Anna could practice at home. At home she has the Bella Dancerella where they learn parts of Swan Lake. Part way through the semester Anna started not wanting to go to class because her teacher was not teaching her Swan Lake. I told her that her teacher wanted to teach her another ballet dance so she knew lots of dances. Recently, I decided this would be a great way for her to learn the dance. One version is me sitting on the left side of the room and one is me sitting on the right side. I did that so I could try to pick up as many of the moves as possible for such a young class. At the recital they will be wearing a blue tutu and leotard with pink ballet tights and shoes.